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Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) Instagram Profile Photo on.a.journey.to.recovery
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Kielo

Bio •Depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, BDD? *Feel free to DM if you want to talk 👣Join me on my daily journey of mental health’s ups and downs Coping skills⤵️

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List of Instagram medias taken by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery)

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "Here’s some positivity as you scroll through your feed💕 I’ve been thinking about this a lot- why do I feel like I don’t " - 1846153354293938152
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Here’s some positivity as you scroll through your feed💕 I’ve been thinking about this a lot- why do I feel like I don’t deserve love and happiness? I’ll be honest, I can’t think of a good reason besides my own internal dialogue which isn’t a reliable source. If you’re feeling unworthy, take a moment and try to find a rational reason for it. Just some food for thought. . . I haven’t felt completely overwhelmed by depression today, it seems to have gone back to the persistent depression that I can handle. I’m very grateful for that, I just hope it doesn’t come back tomorrow or even relatively soon. These deep depressive moods are extremely draining both physically and mentally. I’ve made it through yet another one which means I’ve become stronger! I’m really trying to look at the positive side of things in an attempt to put myself in an even slightly better mood. False positivity feels better than hopeless depression. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 116 123 . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I feel very alone right now. In reality, I’m not feeling this way for no reason...I genuinely don’t have anyone. I don’t" - 1845399523956186740
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I feel very alone right now. In reality, I’m not feeling this way for no reason...I genuinely don’t have anyone. I don’t want to bring anyone’s mood down with posts like these, but I’m just writing down my nightly thoughts. I’m writing this while wearing an oversized hoodie and having a weighted blanket draped over my legs to act as a hug. I want to be comforted, held close as if someone is scared to lose me, told that I matter and that I’m loved. I don’t have this right now and it makes me feel very alone. I do have hope though, I keep that in my heart and hold it a little tighter on days when I feel like this. I know that I am strong from all I’ve made it through. I will use that strength to continue trudging on another day. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 116 123 . .

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-Artist: @theofficialsadghostclub - I had a really rough day today. Last night I could already tell that I was gonna be hit with an even deeper depression, but I had hoped that when I woke up, it would have dissipated. I was alright for about 30 minutes after I woke up, but then all the dark, heavy feelings just slammed down on me and I couldn’t function. I felt so alone, like no one is with me in this fight against my mind. I wanted to self harm, but I was able to fight through the urges and paint something instead. I feel okay as of now. I slept for a bit and my head feels less heavy. I’m really hoping tomorrow isn’t like this because I actually have to function and do things. It’s days like these where I feel stronger because I was able to make it through regardless of how I felt. I will be able to conquer tomorrow because tomorrow is not today and I don’t have to do today again. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 116 123 . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I went outside of my house today. I was hoping to buy a new pair of shoes and not have to wait for shipping. Since I’m s" - 1844007164194351481
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I went outside of my house today. I was hoping to buy a new pair of shoes and not have to wait for shipping. Since I’m still new to my town, I haven’t been to the local mall yet. I entered and immediately became completely overwhelmed. Too many perfumes to smell, flashing lights, people talking loudly- too much everything so my senses were overloaded. It’s not like I haven’t ever been to a mall before, this one just had so much going on more than I’ve been experienced and anxiety took full advantage of that. I had that common feeling of nausea creep up my neck and over the back of my head. I tried grounding myself in several ways, but nothing was working. I stayed for probably 15 minutes before I just couldn’t take it. During all of this, I was sitting right outside of the store I wanted to go into. I went in for a moment, but there were too many people. I was RIGHT THERE. That made me really frustrated because I just couldn’t combat the overwhelmed feeling. I don’t know it’s also a mix of PTSD symptoms with anxiety, but it wasn’t fun at all. It took me a while to calm down after. I went to a pet store where they had a shelter that brought in a bunch of little animals. I sat by the puppies for a bit and let them love on me by licking the palms of my hands and jump all over me. That really helped me feel a little better about going out. I pushed myself today, but I went to far. I learned a limit of mine that I can work towards in the future. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 116 123 . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "A very relevant picture to what I was talking about in therapy today. I’ve felt consistently depressed for about a month" - 1843304976836988732
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A very relevant picture to what I was talking about in therapy today. I’ve felt consistently depressed for about a month and a half how. I literally have not had even one good day. If you’ve been following me for a while now, you know there was a time when I felt okay for about a month straight and kept questioning if I was ever depressed in the first place. I think that mindset originated from the stigmatized belief that someone who is mentally ill needs to be exhibiting signs of sickness at all times or they’re faking it. Clearly that’s an incorrect statement, but the world repeats it so often to where it becomes an automatic thought coming from our own heads. I guess a good thing about being depressed for this long is that I have some major documentation that I am indeed feeling bad and cannot doubt my diagnosis. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 116 123 . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "At the moment when I write this post, I would say anxiety is the most prominent disorder effecting me currently. I’ve be" - 1842557958585954457
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At the moment when I write this post, I would say anxiety is the most prominent disorder effecting me currently. I’ve been having a really difficult time leaving my house besides going out for mandatory things. Because of anxiety, my concern about my body image has worsened as well...At least I’m pretty sure that’s what’s happening. In regards to dealing with my body image, I’ve done what my therapist suggested with covering up all the mirrors in my house. I have to say, it really has helped! This is one of the most peaceful weeks I’ve had with my body. It does help that I haven’t really gone out this week, but I feel presentable regardless. Not being able to see myself stops my critical eyes from picking apart my figure whenever I see a reflective surface and stops a lot of the worrying that I don’t look good. I’m slowly making progress and I’m happy to tell my therapist that at tomorrow’s appointment! . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 116 123 . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "While making a timeline of my life with my therapist, I realized how many gaps in my memory really exist. I knew I had b" - 1841840958230336105
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While making a timeline of my life with my therapist, I realized how many gaps in my memory really exist. I knew I had blank spots, but there’s so many years where there’s absolutely nothing. Not even memories of bad things. This isn’t due to me being too young to remember, it’s just my brain’s chosen way of protecting me in traumatic situations. With trauma memories-It never got to file the information of what was going on in my surroundings correctly and so frantically, it grabbed bits and pieces of any senses it could. Those kind of memories are here and there, but I have about an off and on 7 year gap of memory just gone. Unfortunately, I know I’m going to have to do work to fill in those years within therapy. I don’t exactly know how that’s going to work, but it’ll be painful. I’m committed to therapy no matter what though so I’ll get through it and document it here. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I’m allowing more of my emotions to be present. I’ve learned harboring them inward makes them stew into much more powerf" - 1841108717669884592
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I’m allowing more of my emotions to be present. I’ve learned harboring them inward makes them stew into much more powerful, unwanted emotions that we associate with negativity. It’s okay that I’m frustrated with my body right now. It’s okay that I’m angry at the people who hurt me. It’s okay that I’m anxious about leaving my house. I can have all these emotions because they’re natural to experience. The issue is I don’t like them and they can be harmful. I need to heal from them so I’m not pained by them anymore. I can hate my body right now, but I need to do something to fix that outlook for the long run. For me, that means therapy and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I wanted this to be a reminder for anyone reading this as well: any emotion you experience is okay. We need to be careful how we exhibit the actions that the emotions make us feel like we need to do, but all these emotions make us human. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I’ve been having such a horrible time with my body image lately (as most of you know), so I finally talked to my therapi" - 1840341969278578678
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I’ve been having such a horrible time with my body image lately (as most of you know), so I finally talked to my therapist about it. I described how much worse it’s gotten and she said for this week I should try to completely avoid mirrors or shiny surfaces. If I catch myself looking in the mirror, I should walk away immediately. This isn’t s permanent solution, but since were working on trauma and I’m subconsciously ruminating on what we talk about all week, it makes sense that my self image would be worse since it’s effected by the trauma. We can only work on one thing at a time and I have a ton of problems that I need to heal from so it’s just one more thing to add to the clean up pile. I often get so frustrated because I don’t just have one illness- I have five, not including my psychical health problems which piggy-back. All of this is not fun and I’m feeling quite alone in this fight against my mind and body. My apologies if this sounded quite rambley, I have so many thoughts that I can’t put together. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "-Artist: @bethdrawsthings -
I’ve been getting more in tune with my emotions lately which for me means releasing a lot of" - 1839660120184999125
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-Artist: @bethdrawsthings - I’ve been getting more in tune with my emotions lately which for me means releasing a lot of built up tears. I’ve been allowing myself to cry in uncomfortable situations...in public. I AM setting boundaries though, I won’t cry in public unless I’m wearing sunglasses as to hide the redness of my eyes. The actual tears can pass off as sweat in the hot weather of this time of year where I live. It’s kinda sad to type this out because it makes me remember the pain that seems to consistently make me cry. It’s usually an angry cry too...it’s one specific type of emotional pain that only comes out in anger. I feel completely powerless in the control of my body so I just let the tears go and see if it will make me feel a little better. Usually it does, but other times I feel I need to cry an ocean to get any form of release out of the pent up emotion. I’m learning, I’m growing, crying is okay and not a weakness. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "-Artist: ? -
“So Kielo, why have you been gone for a whole week?” Well...a lot of things. Mainly because I participate i" - 1838980298484058446
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-Artist: ? - “So Kielo, why have you been gone for a whole week?” Well...a lot of things. Mainly because I participate in a marching band and band camp was this week. Besides that, I’ve been experiencing an overwhelming amount of emotions. I still feel just as bad if not worse about my body in general. My “problem areas” just seem to be grabbing my attention more so I’m trying to avoid the mirror as much as possible. I’ve worked with my therapist on using the phrase “I look presentable” with myself so I can feel better about going out into the world and functioning even when I think I look and feel like a pile of garbage. I’ve also been forced to be around a ton of people all week. At band camp, I spent 12 hours constantly around 170 people. At the end of the week, I wanted to jump out of my skin because I was so tired of having to put on my happy mask around everyone. As an introvert, I had no chance to recharge and relax at all and it was extremely overwhelming. Anxiety and depression have continued steadily making my daily functioning difficult, but that’s nothing new. I didn’t have time for therapy in my schedule for the past week so I really felt alone. Luckily I have a session tomorrow so I’ll be able to reflect on some of my frustrations and get a different perspective. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I would say today has been one of my most anxiety filled days I’ve experienced in a while. There really wasn’t a reason " - 1833906556871460894
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I would say today has been one of my most anxiety filled days I’ve experienced in a while. There really wasn’t a reason for it either, I’m just stressing too much about things in the future...and also my self image. I’ve been opening social media just to find beautiful humans that I envy. My own self image is just going down the drain more and more each minute it seems. I quite literally hate every inch of my body. I feel repulsed by the figure my mirror. I wish it wasn’t mine, but depersonalization has gone away so now I actually recognize it as my own. I know so many of my problems with self image stem from my childhood. I was talking about it with my therapist, how being neglected and told how disgusting you were messes you up so much. I remember having family members refuse to wash my clothes, but wash everyone else’s. I remember feeling horrible because of that and intentionally hurting myself, but no one stopped me because no one cared. I see now that I really didn’t experience any love as a child and it explains a lot of why I am the person I am today. You can bet this will be a huge topic to work on throughout my time in therapy. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . . [image description: typed lettering saying “The greatest single cause of poor self image is the absence of unconditional love.” The quote is by Zig Ziglar and the background is mint in color.] . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I feel very fragile today after my therapy session so I debated not posting, but I think it’s going to help me to write " - 1833172841853623336
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I feel very fragile today after my therapy session so I debated not posting, but I think it’s going to help me to write out some things that happen...or didn’t: mainly in therapy I’ve been leaning relaxation and grounding techniques to help me cope when I start processing trauma more seriously. Today my therapist decided it was time to actually address some traumas. Together we wrote out a timeline about any significant events that that have occurred throughout my life. A lot of years were left blank because of me not having any memory during that time. The whole activity was pretty sad when I looked at the paper, but I don’t feel anything. My anxiety didn’t go up (we were monitoring it)...I just felt numb, like I was telling someone else’s story. I told my therapist about my fear that I was blowing everything out of proportion and that maybe everyone grew up like this. She handled the situation better than I could have ever imagined and instead validated that what I have experienced is indeed abuse and neglect, and no...it’s not a normal upbringing by any means. I don’t feel any way at all really besides having my emotions a little more reassured...that it’s okay for me to have the symptoms that I do because of these events in my life. I thought it would be really difficult for me to tell my story...I don’t know if it’s good that it wasn’t. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . . [image description: a text post saying: “Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: the past is alive in the form of a gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in attempt to control this process, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves”.] . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "-Artist: @howdoyouadult -
Yet another day of sadness. I honestly should just stop posting until I feel better, but I hav" - 1831682032448942996
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-Artist: @howdoyouadult - Yet another day of sadness. I honestly should just stop posting until I feel better, but I have this fear that it won’t be for a long time. It does help for me to write out how I’m feeling so I’ll do that: Mostly I have the overwhelming feeling of needing to cry, like a knot in my chest. The problem is I’m so numb that it’s unusual for me to be able to actually get those tears out. That leaves me with emotions being harbored internally, trying to push through my skin, but held back by the net of numbness which surrounds the outside of me. My head feels like such a mess. Bits and pieces of hurtful words from past people in my life scramble in my brain to make sense, but instead hit other memories which bring on flashbacks or nightmares. I can’t win here, I can only sit tight and wait for a good day to swim to the top of this murky water and get a gulp of air. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . . [image description: Digitally hand written words saying: “Hey, I just wanted to remind you that you’re doing the best you can right now. Give yourself some credit” Underneath the words, there is an adorable, digitally hand drawn sun smiling and blushing. The background is white.] . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "I’m so sick and tired of feeling bad. I’m trying to use all my healthy coping mechanisms taught to me in therapy, specif" - 1830974912808206845
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I’m so sick and tired of feeling bad. I’m trying to use all my healthy coping mechanisms taught to me in therapy, specifically thought changing. My self image seems to be immune to being fixed though. I’ve been in a really bad spot with my body image to the point where when I see my reflection, I start to cry. I don’t even know what to do because any positive affirmations I say to myself feel like I’m talking to someone else. I’m very alone in this fight against my mind and I’m tired. This is a very short caption compared to my usual mainly because I have so much pent up frustration that I can’t put anything into words. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . . [image description: typed out sentence saying: “why is this happening to me” crossed out and underneath is another sentence saying “what is this teaching me”] . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "Today was a lot. I honestly don’t know how to sum up this post. I spent today painting. I really wanted to make up for t" - 1828794308108926087
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Today was a lot. I honestly don’t know how to sum up this post. I spent today painting. I really wanted to make up for the time that I’ve been busy by letting my body relax and do something I enjoy. I guess this wasn’t the best thing to do though because my mind didn’t stay on task, it wanted to wander. It allowed in depressive, anxious, and self destructive thoughts. I fought them for a while successfully, but they came back stronger each time and I felt so overwhelmed that I had to stop painting. I went over my safety plan because the self harm urges were persistent. I did my usual distraction methods, but they weren’t helping. The next part of the plan is to call or text a crisis line which I did, but both people I talked to didn’t seem to know how to help me since I wasn’t suicidal. The last part of my plan is to call my therapist. I didn’t want to bother her so I waited about a half an hour to see if any of the thoughts were going away. They actually continued getting worse so I gave my therapist a call. I was crying when she called so we did some grounding techniques with me describing my surroundings before she talked me though what was going on. The call ended up being 28 minutes and was entirely me crying while listening to her hopeful words. I’m so blessed to have this therapist working with me. I somehow made it through without self harming. It was a hell of a day, but I managed. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . . [Image description: two adorable hand drawn bird-like characters having a conversation. One asks the other “what did you do today?” The other responds with “managed” they both comfort each other with one resting its head on the other.] . .

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "-Artist: @littlearthlings -
I’m feeling really grateful today. I have a wonderful therapist who supports me and allows m" - 1828156023657359046
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-Artist: @littlearthlings - I’m feeling really grateful today. I have a wonderful therapist who supports me and allows me to feel comfortable while sharing difficult things. I don’t know what kind of a place I would be in if I hadn’t found a therapist a year ago and continued when I moved this year. Through the work we’ve done so far, I’ve already grown. There’s so many things that she’s testing in terms of my internal dialogue in automatic thoughts. I’m learning that I deserve things. I’m learning that I deserve to heal. That’s incredible to me. At the end of my therapy session today...I had a little bit of an emotional outburst of all I had been holding in during the time of not having a therapist. Not only did my she listen and let me spew out all the things that I wanted to talk about, but she also helped me develop a safety plan. This is something my past therapist talked about doing, but never went in depth. I feel supported and like I’m safe no matter what my mind does with this plan in place. She is so willing to help and I’ve never experienced this much love before. I almost can’t put it into words how much she just cares for me and it’s incredible. If she cares this much about me, puts extra work into helping me, she must think I deserve to heal...and If I deserve to heal, so do you. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . . [image description: A watercolor painting of a pink flower with water droplets around it. There are words on the bottom right corner under the flower that say: “you deserve to heal”]

image by Kielo (@on.a.journey.to.recovery) with caption : "Content warning (self harm): I had a really rough day today. I got some bad news regarding college which sent me into a " - 1827297678285172890
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Content warning (self harm): I had a really rough day today. I got some bad news regarding college which sent me into a crying fit for the next 2 hours. I don’t want to talk about what it was, but I’ll share my reaction to the news. I had so much anger toward myself mainly because it triggered memories of being told how incapable I was from my childhood. I had so much rage and I couldn’t make it go away. I tried journaling, crying, pacing around, eating a comfort food, and listening to music...nothing was helping. I had persistent thoughts of wanting to self harm throughout it all, but I was trying to ignore them. I ultimately gave in and lost my clean streak of 115 days. I don’t really know how I feel right now since I’m so numb. It’s been a pretty bad day. I have therapy tomorrow so I’ll talk through all this shit there and hopefully feel a little better. . . Suicide hotlines: U.S. 1-800-273-8255 U.K. 8457 90 90 90 . . [Image description: A Tumblr text post which reads: “There is no “sick enough”, there’s just having enough of being sick. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.” The image has a white background]